I had a nightmare tonight

After a very long time I had a nightmare. about what happened. About screaming. About the pain. His eyes. Full of lust and hatred. His hands calloused and rough. but not in a good way. In a way meant to hurt me. My mother's voice chanting in the background about how it's not their fault- they're all alone and their wives are back home. That overwhelming feeling that no one in the world cares. That no one will come and save me. That terrible feeling that I haven't had for quite some time; until now, that is.

I woke up with a sore throat and tears streaming down my face. But, worst of all, I woke up alone. I pray to God that you'll come home. but you don't. I don't have anyone to care and save me from him anymore. To save me from myself. I'm trying hard not to start cutting again.

One of the worst things about reliving that nightmare was that I was being intimate with another man. I haven't even kissed another man (save three kisses in December) for the last 2.5 years. I can't bring myself to even imagine kissing another man. My heart, body, mind, and soul belong to one man. He has all of me. I don't know what I'll do without him.

maula mere

how long has it been since you last realized that your existence means nothing . you are just a mere inconvenience to one person, a sex toy to another, reassurance for the next, a maid to the punk after that, and food to the vultures once you're good and dead? Is that the purpose of life? To play many roles for many different people in order to find out who you are on your deathbed only to decompose? WTF

myself and I, we got some straightening out to do.

there are days when you just break my heart over and over and over again. I try to tell you but you're far to caught up in your own feelings to even consider mine.

I really didn't want to cry tonight. I try for you. I try so hard.

it hurts so much. the only good thing in your life going wrong. it hurts so much. I wish you would just leave me already. It hurts enough. I don't want to get more attached to you. I love you.

Home

What is home? I mean really dictionary.com claims that home is:
–noun

1.	a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.

2.	the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.

3.	an institution for the homeless, sick, etc.: a nursing home.

4.	the dwelling place or retreat of an animal.

5.	the place or region where something is native or most common.

6.	any place of residence or refuge: a heavenly home.

7.	a person's native place or own country.

8.	(in games) the destination or goal.

9.	a principal base of operations or activities: The new stadium will be the home of the local football team.

10.	Baseball. home plate.

11.	Lacrosse. one of three attack positions nearest the opposing goal.

–adjective

12.	of, pertaining to, or connected with one's home or country; domestic: home products.

13.	principal or main: the corporation's home office.

14.	reaching the mark aimed at: a home thrust.

15.	Sports. played in a ball park, arena, or the like, that is or is assumed to be the center of operations of a team: The pitcher didn't lose a single home game all season. Compare away (def. 11).

–adverb

16.	to, toward, or at home: to go home.

17.	deep; to the heart: The truth of the accusation struck home.

18.	to the mark or point aimed at: He drove the point home.

19.	Nautical. a. into the position desired; perfectly or to the greatest possible extent: sails sheeted home. b. in the proper, stowed position: The anchor is home. c. toward its vessel: to bring the anchor home.

–verb (used without object)

20.	to go or return home.

21.	(of guided missiles, aircraft, etc.) to proceed, esp. under control of an automatic aiming mechanism, toward a specified target, as a plane, missile, or location (often fol. by in on): The missile homed in on the target.

22.	to navigate toward a point by means of coordinates other than those given by altitudes.

23.	to have a home where specified; reside.

–verb (used with object)

24.	to bring or send home.

25.	to provide with a home.

26.	to direct, esp. under control of an automatic aiming device, toward an airport, target, etc.

But none of these 26, yes twenty-six, definitions really gather the meaning of home, do they?
I've always felt that home is a very personal place. It's the place where you feel at rest physically, mentally, spiritual, and socially. A place where this relaxation is not even forced, but just happens. You feel your heart relax, as if beating is no longer work. This is one of the things I really loved about Garden State. Zach Braff addressed the idea of home and family. It's not always going to be where your mothers is, and your blood relatives aren't necessarily your family. "You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone ... it just sort of happens one day it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

It's been a while

since I've last posted. Seeing as not very many people visit my blog, I doubt that it was much of a loss. Many things have happened in the time that I've been away: My constant ovarian pain was getting the best of me and I finally went to see a doctor, only to learn that I have a cyst on my right ovary and a left para ovarian cyst. I know that many women have cysts and don't even know it, and that's because their cysts do not bother them. Mine get in the way of my daily life. It is such a sharp shooting pain that it makes me want have my ovaries removed. I've also done some more soul searching and I have come up short. Has anyone else heard about the mint green ribbon they've created for rape and abuse survivors such as myself? It's wonderful...

merlin

I’m Faith Lapidus with the VOA Special English Development Report.

The State Department says twelve nations are failing to do enough to fight the modern-day slave trade. The department last week released its "Trafficking in Persons Report" for two thousand six.

Countries are rated on the efforts by their governments to control the international trade in forced labor. Four of the twelve countries given the lowest rating this year are in east and central Asia. The four are Burma, Laos, North Korea and Uzbekistan.

Three of the countries are in the Middle East: Iran, Saudi Arabia and Syria. Another three are in Latin America: Belize, Cuba and Venezuela. And two of the lowest rated nations are in Africa: Sudan and Zimbabwe.

More than one hundred fifty nations are listed in the report. They are grouped based on information from American diplomats as well as non-governmental organizations and other groups.

Congress requires the report every year under a law called the Victims of Trafficking and Violence Protection Act of Two Thousand.

Governments that meet the requirements of the law are listed in Tier One. Those that do not fully meet the requirements but are trying to improve are listed in Tier Two. Countries that may fall back in their progress are placed on a Tier Two “Watch List.”

Tier Three is for governments that fail to make serious efforts to enforce laws against trafficking and to protect victims. These countries face possible measures such as restrictions in non-humanitarian aid.

Countries that moved up from Tier Three last year to the Tier Two "Watch List" include Kuwait, Qatar and the United Arab Emirates.

Venezuela rejected its repeated placement in Tier Three. The Venezuelan Embassy in Washington says the country has been working to fight human trafficking. It says the report was a political move against the government of President Hugo Chavez.

The report also notes concerns about possible increases in human trafficking for the sex trade in Germany during the World Cup. Prostitution is legal in Germany, but the German government says it has taken steps to prevent trafficking. **what's with this woman? that makes no sense!**

Written by Jill Moss

http://www.voanews.com/specialenglish/archive/2006-06/2006-06-11-voa2.cfm

and yet the US doesn't bother including themselves in TIP reports...nor does our government make much of an effort to prevent heinous crimes such as these.

"Twenty seven states in this country have laws on the books against human trafficking.

Surprisingly, New York does not." http://www.theithacajournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070306/OPINION01/703060316

we don't have shit. we had two bills that were never passed. we don't give a fuck about the fact that we are one of the largest ports for trafficking in the U.S

take a look at the article. learn something.do something.

Tired of the mundane.
I'm ready to make something of my life :] and I can't wait to start. Today was another ordinary day in my ordinary life. Women can be so petty, wouldn't you say? The lot of us need to take a midol on a daily basis-poor men...oh, wait! men have mood swings throughout the day! not just the week before they menstruate.
Alright, I'll stop.
I was thinking about discussing mitochondrial dna with one of my girlfriends today but, I stopped myself because, I knew she wouldn't have much to say on the topic. I started to wonder why we do these things; why do we only communicate what we feel others will understand? Does it matter if we even understand; so long as we make an effort to describe what we feel and what we think? Then I realized that I was thinking along the lines of Milosz, and I smiled to myself. I love it when literature sticks with me and makes me think. I feel like I really am increasing my worldliness, for lack of a better word. I feel smarter.... that's always a happy thought isn't it.
Now look to the person closest to you, stick your tongue out at them, and chant "I know something about Milosz nananananana!"

Another Day Another Blog

First time posting a blog on a site where blogs matter. Myspace was getting old-shoving into places that should be saved for sleep. I'm a bit of an introvert but I hold my own in arguments. I love to argue. I think too much and I dream too little, but I hope-that's what counts, right? There are two reasons why I created this blog. Two reasons that seem to have consumed my very being.
A)The need for words. I have a yearning for speech. I crave eloquence. I want my thoughts to be heard by someone, anyone; and, I want my thoughts to matter. I needed a place to say my part, to share my wonderings.
B) To raise awareness. Human Trafficking is one of the biggest businesses in the black market today. How much do you know about it?