Married? ME?

Yes it's true folks! well I write this mostly for myself seeing as not very many people actually read my blog. I'm getting married this July and I thank God everyday for that blessing. I love my fiance so much and despite his short comings and mistakes, I'm happy to have him in my life. He's my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without him. I'm so excited about waking up to his face every morning. I can't wait to pick out a dress.
My soldier =] He wants to wear his dress greens =P what the heck won't clash with that? Well, whatever makes him happy. He may be leaving for Iraq before the year is up =[. I'm devastated about that. But, I am proud of him too.
I don't want anyone, or at least the one person who reads this blog, to think that I've abandoned my quest to abolish modern day slavery because, I haven't. I still fight small battles everyday. I sign petitions. I do my part. I try to get through to people who believe that ignorance is bliss. STOP THE TRAFFICK.

I need more

than just "I'm sorry I fucked up big time. I want to come home marry you and take care of you."
It hurt so much more than that.
is that selfish?

I had a nightmare tonight

After a very long time I had a nightmare. about what happened. About screaming. About the pain. His eyes. Full of lust and hatred. His hands calloused and rough. but not in a good way. In a way meant to hurt me. My mother's voice chanting in the background about how it's not their fault- they're all alone and their wives are back home. That overwhelming feeling that no one in the world cares. That no one will come and save me. That terrible feeling that I haven't had for quite some time; until now, that is.

I woke up with a sore throat and tears streaming down my face. But, worst of all, I woke up alone. I pray to God that you'll come home. but you don't. I don't have anyone to care and save me from him anymore. To save me from myself. I'm trying hard not to start cutting again.

One of the worst things about reliving that nightmare was that I was being intimate with another man. I haven't even kissed another man (save three kisses in December) for the last 2.5 years. I can't bring myself to even imagine kissing another man. My heart, body, mind, and soul belong to one man. He has all of me. I don't know what I'll do without him.

maula mere

how long has it been since you last realized that your existence means nothing . you are just a mere inconvenience to one person, a sex toy to another, reassurance for the next, a maid to the punk after that, and food to the vultures once you're good and dead? Is that the purpose of life? To play many roles for many different people in order to find out who you are on your deathbed only to decompose? WTF

myself and I, we got some straightening out to do.

there are days when you just break my heart over and over and over again. I try to tell you but you're far to caught up in your own feelings to even consider mine.

I really didn't want to cry tonight. I try for you. I try so hard.

it hurts so much. the only good thing in your life going wrong. it hurts so much. I wish you would just leave me already. It hurts enough. I don't want to get more attached to you. I love you.

Home

What is home? I mean really dictionary.com claims that home is:
–noun

1.	a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.

2.	the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.

3.	an institution for the homeless, sick, etc.: a nursing home.

4.	the dwelling place or retreat of an animal.

5.	the place or region where something is native or most common.

6.	any place of residence or refuge: a heavenly home.

7.	a person's native place or own country.

8.	(in games) the destination or goal.

9.	a principal base of operations or activities: The new stadium will be the home of the local football team.

10.	Baseball. home plate.

11.	Lacrosse. one of three attack positions nearest the opposing goal.

–adjective

12.	of, pertaining to, or connected with one's home or country; domestic: home products.

13.	principal or main: the corporation's home office.

14.	reaching the mark aimed at: a home thrust.

15.	Sports. played in a ball park, arena, or the like, that is or is assumed to be the center of operations of a team: The pitcher didn't lose a single home game all season. Compare away (def. 11).

–adverb

16.	to, toward, or at home: to go home.

17.	deep; to the heart: The truth of the accusation struck home.

18.	to the mark or point aimed at: He drove the point home.

19.	Nautical. a. into the position desired; perfectly or to the greatest possible extent: sails sheeted home. b. in the proper, stowed position: The anchor is home. c. toward its vessel: to bring the anchor home.

–verb (used without object)

20.	to go or return home.

21.	(of guided missiles, aircraft, etc.) to proceed, esp. under control of an automatic aiming mechanism, toward a specified target, as a plane, missile, or location (often fol. by in on): The missile homed in on the target.

22.	to navigate toward a point by means of coordinates other than those given by altitudes.

23.	to have a home where specified; reside.

–verb (used with object)

24.	to bring or send home.

25.	to provide with a home.

26.	to direct, esp. under control of an automatic aiming device, toward an airport, target, etc.

But none of these 26, yes twenty-six, definitions really gather the meaning of home, do they?
I've always felt that home is a very personal place. It's the place where you feel at rest physically, mentally, spiritual, and socially. A place where this relaxation is not even forced, but just happens. You feel your heart relax, as if beating is no longer work. This is one of the things I really loved about Garden State. Zach Braff addressed the idea of home and family. It's not always going to be where your mothers is, and your blood relatives aren't necessarily your family. "You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone ... it just sort of happens one day it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

It's been a while

since I've last posted. Seeing as not very many people visit my blog, I doubt that it was much of a loss. Many things have happened in the time that I've been away: My constant ovarian pain was getting the best of me and I finally went to see a doctor, only to learn that I have a cyst on my right ovary and a left para ovarian cyst. I know that many women have cysts and don't even know it, and that's because their cysts do not bother them. Mine get in the way of my daily life. It is such a sharp shooting pain that it makes me want have my ovaries removed. I've also done some more soul searching and I have come up short. Has anyone else heard about the mint green ribbon they've created for rape and abuse survivors such as myself? It's wonderful...