I had a nightmare tonight

After a very long time I had a nightmare. about what happened. About screaming. About the pain. His eyes. Full of lust and hatred. His hands calloused and rough. but not in a good way. In a way meant to hurt me. My mother's voice chanting in the background about how it's not their fault- they're all alone and their wives are back home. That overwhelming feeling that no one in the world cares. That no one will come and save me. That terrible feeling that I haven't had for quite some time; until now, that is.

I woke up with a sore throat and tears streaming down my face. But, worst of all, I woke up alone. I pray to God that you'll come home. but you don't. I don't have anyone to care and save me from him anymore. To save me from myself. I'm trying hard not to start cutting again.

One of the worst things about reliving that nightmare was that I was being intimate with another man. I haven't even kissed another man (save three kisses in December) for the last 2.5 years. I can't bring myself to even imagine kissing another man. My heart, body, mind, and soul belong to one man. He has all of me. I don't know what I'll do without him.